A Christmas Tree

  Christmas is coming. Normally we are not at home during Christmas holidays. This year is very different. We have to stay at home. I am a Christmas person. I like trees, Christmas market, lights, ginger breads and other stuffs very much.  But I never had a tree at home. I always said  I would buy a Christmas tree when we have a child. I often heard it is too much work to have a Christmas tree. Parents are so stressed during Christmas times. I feel so bad because I couldn’t experience that. But we are not so much different. I think we could also have a nice Christmas holday, with husband, friends... And, also singel person could enjoy Christmas, just listen music, read books or have some nice food.  I am going to buy a tree this year. I want to have it for me and my husband. We will also bake cake and cookies like people with kids. I do not want to be different......   

Days Are Not Bad

  This year October is very different. I was very busy, both in job and private. In October we have school holidays. So many co-workers take holidays to spend time with their kids. I have to work. I am ok with that. It is very interesting that my pain disappeared. I almost forget that I am a childless woman.  I am asking myself how and why.  I think it may be: - I went to run every morning. After jogging I feel very energized. - I had to replace my colleagues and got lots of work. - I had holidays for one week. I went hiking with friends. fresh air, trees and rivers, they make me to feel very relax. (PS: The picture above is from my hiking way. ;- For me it is a dragon.)   - I spent 30 mins every morning for myself, wrote journal and listened calm music. I like nature sounds, bird, water, wind…. - I listened Katharina Appia ’s podcast(it is German) I know Katharina from Elaine’s blog,  I lover her voice and interviews she did.  It is really like someone is talking with me, someone who

My Aunt called

My aunt called me today. We had a very nice video talk. I also got the picture of her grandchild. He is cute. After our call, she sent me a message. She does not want others to know (my cousins could hear us.). She would like to take me to a medical treatment. So I could get pregnant. That made me to remember a very funny thing many years ago. She bought me some „magical soups“ to loose weight ,when I was a little girl. I was really fat, about 70 kg. I told her about my 4 unsuccessful IVF. She is the first one in my family who knows my sad story. I do not know if my husband told some one. But she is the first one I told.  She wrote me she cried. She felt guilty that she was so concentrated on her family. She did not have time for me. She think I am very brave to do IVF alone. I think she mean no one in the family could support me. She is very proud of me. I never thought I need some one from the family. Why?  Because I do not want they worry about me. I always want they are proud of me

Busy and Happy

I was busy last two weeks. In my company we began a new project. There are lots of work and new things to learn.  I also met some friends who I haven’t seen since Covid come. It helped me so much to move my focus more on myself and people who I like and love. The IVFs make me crazy, depressive and isolated.  It is not healthy. I need to change. I used to wake up early and spend  about 1 hour to read books, learn something, do workout, make my to-do list, enjoy my coffee…  These things disappeared during IVFs.  Side effects made me to stay on the bed for more than 2 weeks. I  could only eat a little. Then I had to deal with downs. I need to go back to daily routine. They are the things which make me to feel peaceful and happy.     I went to run this morning. I feel so good. It was sunny, birds was singing and even cars stopped to let me cross the street.  I took some photos of flowers to share with you. They are so lovely, aren’t they?  Summer is gone. I am afraid the pandemic will get

You Do Not Need A Baby

  I am reading some blogs which held by lovely women. I cried when I read their sad stories. I imagined we gave us each other a big hug. And I said „Yes, I know, I know that pain.“ I decided to start to have my own blog. I got a big warm welcome from Elaine, Klara , Mali , Phoenix and Loribeth . I got many positive energy from your blogs. Thank you for your great blogs!   Yesterday I met my prof.  She is a brilliant woman. I like her so much. She is in her 70’s and still teaching at university.  I told her my sad story. Do you know what she said?   „ You do not need a baby!“   She does not have kids either. I asked her if she felt lonely. „Never, I have many friends. There are many organizations which help childless seniors. Never scarred to get older. „  She answered. She told me her story. When she was young, it was important for her to be successful in career. She got her lawyer license in her late 30’s. The separation with her ex followed then.  She was not young when she found h

Am I normal?

I was asked to do babysitting by a friend. I am very happy because she treats me like other people. I told myself,  „look, you are normal!“. Wait, normal?  Are people without kids not normal?  WHY?!  I am surprised where and why I have this thought. It is discrimination,  like racialism, antisemitism, isn’t it?   I asked myself serval times why I think I am not normal.  No answer. It must come from somewhere, our culture? Our society? our family?  We understand different culture, accept people who have different religions, who are from different countries, who have different sex orientation…. But, people without kids? They are often thought not normal, sensitive, or sometimes selfish…… Who can help us to fight for a fair understanding of our life style?  No one will ask someone’s sex orientation, because we understand it is their life style. It is normal.  But we will always be asked „ Do you have kids? Why don’t you have kids?“  Even worse, if sometimes we do not want to drink a wine,

A Simple Day

I am very thankful and happy that my husband supported me during these difficult days for me. Yes, I thought I was ready to accept any result after this 4th IVF treatments. After three unsuccessful cycles, I was ready to accept a life without child. I just want to do the 4th treatment because I never tried a long protocol. I have saved enough money. I do not want to blame me later and say to me „ Hi you should do that, it could be successful, you are bad…. Was it a right decision to suffer from the OHSS after the 4th treatment 3 weeks long?  Was it a right decision to have such big pain after losing it?  Today on the way to buy some household stuffs I saw this pyjama. It looks so nice. So I bought it. Well, I am sad, a little bit self-conscious, but it does not mean I should look like a looser!  I am really surprised how much this little and simple pyjama makes me so happy.    PING, hubby’s message comes, he wanted to know if I am OK after the abo. pills. Sometimes sad thoughts of chil

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