My Aunt called
My aunt called me today. We had a very nice video talk. I also got the picture of her grandchild. He is cute. After our call, she sent me a message. She does not want others to know (my cousins could hear us.). She would like to take me to a medical treatment. So I could get pregnant. That made me to remember a very funny thing many years ago. She bought me some „magical soups“ to loose weight ,when I was a little girl. I was really fat, about 70 kg. I told her about my 4 unsuccessful IVF. She is the first one in my family who knows my sad story. I do not know if my husband told some one. But she is the first one I told. She wrote me she cried. She felt guilty that she was so concentrated on her family. She did not have time for me. She think I am very brave to do IVF alone. I think she mean no one in the family could support me. She is very proud of me.
I never thought I need some one from the family. Why? Because I do not want they worry about me. I always want they are proud of me. I learned hard to be the best in school. I took student jobs to partly finance my study in the university (My parents supported me a lot. ) We paid our wedding by ourselves. I worked hard to get a better job. All these things are partly because I am selfish. I want to have a nice life. But the most important reason is that I want to make my family to be proud of me.
I told my aunt I am ok with my life without kids. But am I really OK? I did not feel like to cook dinner today. I went to a restaurant and ordered PHOs to take away. At home I found I actually ordered something different! I got two fried rice noodles. It shows I was in somewhere, in the world of sadness, unsatisfied, unsuccessful, despair…. a grey world. I am listening classical music and blogging. I feel a little bit better. I do not know what is helping me,. music? blog? Or writing down my thoughts? Now I am going to finish this post. I feel a little similar like the ending of my yoga class. I feel some kind of bad Qi is going out of my body.
PS: I forgot today to take my pills again low thyroid. My depressive feelings may be from that. If you never hear about underachieve thyroid , you could check the NHS’s page: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/underactive-thyroid-hypothyroidism/.