My Aunt called

My aunt called me today. We had a very nice video talk. I also got the picture of her grandchild. He is cute. After our call, she sent me a message. She does not want others to know (my cousins could hear us.). She would like to take me to a medical treatment. So I could get pregnant. That made me to remember a very funny thing many years ago. She bought me some „magical soups“ to loose weight ,when I was a little girl. I was really fat, about 70 kg. I told her about my 4 unsuccessful IVF. She is the first one in my family who knows my sad story. I do not know if my husband told some one. But she is the first one I told.  She wrote me she cried. She felt guilty that she was so concentrated on her family. She did not have time for me. She think I am very brave to do IVF alone. I think she mean no one in the family could support me. She is very proud of me.


I never thought I need some one from the family. Why?  Because I do not want they worry about me. I always want they are proud of me. I learned hard to be the best in school. I took student jobs to partly finance my study in the university (My parents supported me a lot. ) We paid our wedding by ourselves. I worked hard to get a better job. All these things are partly because I am selfish. I want to have a nice life. But the most important reason is that I want to make my family to be proud of me.

I told my aunt I am ok with my life without kids. But am I really OK?  I did not feel like to cook dinner today. I went to a restaurant and ordered PHOs to take away. At home I found I actually ordered something different! I got two fried rice noodles. It shows I was in somewhere, in the world of sadness, unsatisfied, unsuccessful, despair…. a grey world.  I am listening classical music and blogging. I feel a little bit better. I do not know what is helping me,. music? blog? Or writing down my thoughts?  Now I am going to finish this post. I feel a little similar like the ending of my yoga class. I feel some kind of bad Qi is going out of my body.  

PS: I forgot today to take my pills again low thyroid. My depressive feelings may be from that. If you never hear about underachieve thyroid , you could check the NHS’s page: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/underactive-thyroid-hypothyroidism/

Comments

  1. Sometimes it is really hard when others are more uncomfortable with our lives without kids than we are. It makes us doubt ourselves, and our decisions. I'm glad you feel a little better now.

    By the way, I would be very happy with Pho OR fried rice noodles. Yum!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My family is less stronger than I. I have to get them to know it is not the worst thing in the world.

      Delete

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