Showing posts from August, 2020

Am I normal?

I was asked to do babysitting by a friend. I am very happy because she treats me like other people. I told myself,  „look, you are normal!“. Wait, normal?  Are people without kids not normal?  WHY?!  I am surprised where and why I have this thought. It is discrimination,  like racialism, antisemitism, isn’t it?   I asked myself serval times why I think I am not normal.  No answer. It must come from somewhere, our culture? Our society? our family?  We understand different culture, accept people who have different religions, who are from different countries, who have different sex orientation…. But, people without kids? They are often thought not normal, sensitive, or sometimes selfish…… Who can help us to fight for a fair understanding of our life style?  No one will ask someone’s sex orientation, because we understand it is their life style. It is normal.  But we will always be asked „ Do you have kids? Why don’t you have kids?“  Even worse, if sometimes we do not want to drink a wine,

A Simple Day

I am very thankful and happy that my husband supported me during these difficult days for me. Yes, I thought I was ready to accept any result after this 4th IVF treatments. After three unsuccessful cycles, I was ready to accept a life without child. I just want to do the 4th treatment because I never tried a long protocol. I have saved enough money. I do not want to blame me later and say to me „ Hi you should do that, it could be successful, you are bad…. Was it a right decision to suffer from the OHSS after the 4th treatment 3 weeks long?  Was it a right decision to have such big pain after losing it?  Today on the way to buy some household stuffs I saw this pyjama. It looks so nice. So I bought it. Well, I am sad, a little bit self-conscious, but it does not mean I should look like a looser!  I am really surprised how much this little and simple pyjama makes me so happy.    PING, hubby’s message comes, he wanted to know if I am OK after the abo. pills. Sometimes sad thoughts of chil

My pains?

  Yesterday was my first day in the office after 2 weeks break. In my firm it is still corona time. It is recommend to do home office. I took my pill and waiting for pain. But I was OK, just felt a little bit not well. I do not know how to describe that. Did I loose a baby? Should I call it as a baby? It is just 7 weeks embryo. I even asked my IVF doctor 4 days ago, if there was really no hope any more. But his words hit me deeply. The embryo should be 2 times bigger now than 1 week ago. But it was not. It stopped to grow. In the office it was quiet. I was the only one. I even chose to stay longer because I am childless and have time. Just before I left the office, I saw two postcards of new born baby from my colleagues. They hurt me…. I even do not know how to describe my feeling, - jealous? definitely not, it is more like that why I could not have that happiness….. - sad? yes! - why?  because I could not be pregnant?  don’t know…… I do not hate my friends with kids. I like to be invi

Why this blog?

  To be honest I do not know.  English is not my mother tongue. I just want to write down what I am feeling. Why online? Because, except  my husband, I do not want to talk with any one abut my story of 4  unsuccessful  IVF cycles. - I do not want to have any mercy from my friends. Yes, I am a CNBC, but it does not mean my life is less happier than theirs. Yes, it is different, but it is not bad. - I do not let my friends thinking what/how they want to talk with me about their pregnancy or children. I do not hate friends with kids. I love to see their kid photos and go to their parties. Only one thing I do like when they complain about their chaotic days with kids. They do not know how happy they are. I always think I must be able to organize days better.   - I do not want to be given any „nice“ but „painful“ or better to say „know nothing about, just ideas from friends“ suggestions, like „you can try that, try this….“ „you can go to other countries, it is more easier, the successful ra

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