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My Aunt called

My aunt called me today. We had a very nice video talk. I also got the picture of her grandchild. He is cute. After our call, she sent me a message. She does not want others to know (my cousins could hear us.). She would like to take me to a medical treatment. So I could get pregnant. That made me to remember a very funny thing many years ago. She bought me some „magical soups“ to loose weight ,when I was a little girl. I was really fat, about 70 kg. I told her about my 4 unsuccessful IVF. She is the first one in my family who knows my sad story. I do not know if my husband told some one. But she is the first one I told.  She wrote me she cried. She felt guilty that she was so concentrated on her family. She did not have time for me. She think I am very brave to do IVF alone. I think she mean no one in the family could support me. She is very proud of me.

I never thought I need some one from the family. Why?  Because I do not want they worry about me. I always want they are proud of m…

Busy and Happy

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I was busy last two weeks. In my company we began a new project. There are lots of work and new things to learn.  I also met some friends who I haven’t seen since Covid come. It helped me so much to move my focus more on myself and people who I like and love. The IVFs make me crazy, depressive and isolated.  It is not healthy. I need to change. I used to wake up early and spend  about 1 hour to read books, learn something, do workout, make my to-do list, enjoy my coffee…  These things disappeared during IVFs.  Side effects made me to stay on the bed for more than 2 weeks. I  could only eat a little. Then I had to deal with downs. I need to go back to daily routine. They are the things which make me to feel peaceful and happy.  I went to run this morning. I feel so good. It was sunny, birds was singing and even cars stopped to let me cross the street.  I took some photos of flowers to share with you. They are so lovely, aren’t they? 




Summer is gone. I am afraid the pandemic will get wo…

You Do Not Need A Baby

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I am reading some blogs which held by lovely women. I cried when I read their sad stories. I imagined we gave us each other a big hug. And I said „Yes, I know, I know that pain.“ I decided to start to have my own blog. I got a big warm welcome from Elaine,Klara, Mali, Phoenix and Loribeth. I got many positive energy from your blogs. Thank you for your great blogs!  

Yesterday I met my prof.  She is a brilliant woman. I like her so much. She is in her 70’s and still teaching at university.  I told her my sad story. Do you know what she said?  
„ You do not need a baby!“  She does not have kids either. I asked her if she felt lonely. „Never, I have many friends. There are many organizations which help childless seniors. Never scarred to get older. „  She answered.
She told me her story. When she was young, it was important for her to be successful in career. She got her lawyer license in her late 30’s. The separation with her ex followed then.  She was not young when she found her current…

Am I normal?

I was asked to do babysitting by a friend. I am very happy because she treats me like other people. I told myself,  „look, you are normal!“. Wait, normal?  Are people without kids not normal?  WHY?!  I am surprised where and why I have this thought. It is discrimination,  like racialism, antisemitism, isn’t it?   I asked myself serval times why I think I am not normal.  No answer. It must come from somewhere, our culture? Our society? our family?  We understand different culture, accept people who have different religions, who are from different countries, who have different sex orientation…. But, people without kids? They are often thought not normal, sensitive, or sometimes selfish…… Who can help us to fight for a fair understanding of our life style?  No one will ask someone’s sex orientation, because we understand it is their life style. It is normal.  But we will always be asked „ Do you have kids? Why don’t you have kids?“  Even worse, if sometimes we do not want to drink a wine…

A Simple Day

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I am very thankful and happy that my husband supported me during these difficult days for me. Yes, I thought I was ready to accept any result after this 4th IVF treatments. After three unsuccessful cycles, I was ready to accept a life without child. I just want to do the 4th treatment because I never tried a long protocol. I have saved enough money. I do not want to blame me later and say to me „ Hi you should do that, it could be successful, you are bad….
Was it a right decision to suffer from the OHSS after the 4th treatment 3 weeks long?  Was it a right decision to have such big pain after losing it? 

Today on the way to buy some household stuffs I saw this pyjama. It looks so nice. So I bought it. Well, I am sad, a little bit self-conscious, but it does not mean I should look like a looser!  I am really surprised how much this little and simple pyjama makes me so happy.  PING, hubby’s message comes, he wanted to know if I am OK after the abo. pills. Sometimes sad thoughts of childle…

My pains?

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Yesterday was my first day in the office after 2 weeks break. In my firm it is still corona time. It is recommend to do home office. I took my pill and waiting for pain. But I was OK, just felt a little bit not well. I do not know how to describe that. Did I loose a baby? Should I call it as a baby? It is just 7 weeks embryo. I even asked my IVF doctor 4 days ago, if there was really no hope any more. But his words hit me deeply. The embryo should be 2 times bigger now than 1 week ago. But it was not. It stopped to grow. In the office it was quiet. I was the only one. I even chose to stay longer because I am childless and have time. Just before I left the office, I saw two postcards of new born baby from my colleagues. They hurt me…. I even do not know how to describe my feeling,
- jealous? definitely not, it is more like that why I could not have that happiness…..
- sad? yes!
- why?  because I could not be pregnant?  don’t know……

I do not hate my friends with kids. I like to be invited…

Why this blog?

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To be honest I do not know.  English is not my mother tongue. I just want to write down what I am feeling. Why online? Because, except  my husband, I do not want to talk with any one abut my story of 4  unsuccessful  IVF cycles.
- I do not want to have any mercy from my friends. Yes, I am a CNBC, but it does not mean my life is less happier than theirs. Yes, it is different, but it is not bad.
- I do not let my friends thinking what/how they want to talk with me about their pregnancy or children. I do not hate friends with kids. I love to see their kid photos and go to their parties. Only one thing I do like when they complain about their chaotic days with kids. They do not know how happy they are. I always think I must be able to organize days better.  
- I do not want to be given any „nice“ but „painful“ or better to say „know nothing about, just ideas from friends“ suggestions, like „you can try that, try this….“ „you can go to other countries, it is more easier, the successful rate…

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