My Aunt called
My aunt called me today. We had a very nice video talk. I also got the picture of her grandchild. He is cute. After our call, she sent me a message. She does not want others to know (my cousins could hear us.). She would like to take me to a medical treatment. So I could get pregnant. That made me to remember a very funny thing many years ago. She bought me some „magical soups“ to loose weight ,when I was a little girl. I was really fat, about 70 kg. I told her about my 4 unsuccessful IVF. She is the first one in my family who knows my sad story. I do not know if my husband told some one. But she is the first one I told. She wrote me she cried. She felt guilty that she was so concentrated on her family. She did not have time for me. She think I am very brave to do IVF alone. I think she mean no one in the family could support me. She is very proud of me.
I never thought I need some one from the family. Why? Because I do not want they worry about me. I always want they are proud of me. I learned hard to be the best in school. I took student jobs to partly finance my study in the university (My parents supported me a lot. ) We paid our wedding by ourselves. I worked hard to get a better job. All these things are partly because I am selfish. I want to have a nice life. But the most important reason is that I want to make my family to be proud of me.
I told my aunt I am ok with my life without kids. But am I really OK? I did not feel like to cook dinner today. I went to a restaurant and ordered PHOs to take away. At home I found I actually ordered something different! I got two fried rice noodles. It shows I was in somewhere, in the world of sadness, unsatisfied, unsuccessful, despair…. a grey world. I am listening classical music and blogging. I feel a little bit better. I do not know what is helping me,. music? blog? Or writing down my thoughts? Now I am going to finish this post. I feel a little similar like the ending of my yoga class. I feel some kind of bad Qi is going out of my body.
PS: I forgot today to take my pills again low thyroid. My depressive feelings may be from that. If you never hear about underachieve thyroid , you could check the NHS’s page: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/underactive-thyroid-hypothyroidism/.
Sometimes it is really hard when others are more uncomfortable with our lives without kids than we are. It makes us doubt ourselves, and our decisions. I'm glad you feel a little better now.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I would be very happy with Pho OR fried rice noodles. Yum!
My family is less stronger than I. I have to get them to know it is not the worst thing in the world.
DeleteDear TingTing,
ReplyDeleteI am both happy and sad reading this. I am happy because your aunt wanted to help you and feels with you. But I am sad that you felt low on that day, too. Not having the energy to cook is something that was very familiar to me in grief.
I didn't ask my family for support either. Mostly because they all live too far away, but also because it was something too private for me. Later on my sister went through IVF and my parents supported her by driving her to treatments etc. I then realized that this probably gave her strength and wouldn't have been a bad thing to do. But well - things are as they are now. I have learned to accept my life as it is and after 5 1/2 years, I really am mostly very well.
It is good to find out what things help you feel better. If writing helps you or yoga or anything else, then keep doing it! It's important to take good care of yourself.
Much love!
Thank you so much Elaine! I got much courage and energy from your blog. It like yoga for me. I really love your blog!
Delete