My pains?

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Yesterday was my first day in the office after 2 weeks break. In my firm it is still corona time. It is recommend to do home office. I took my pill and waiting for pain. But I was OK, just felt a little bit not well. I do not know how to describe that. Did I loose a baby? Should I call it as a baby? It is just 7 weeks embryo. I even asked my IVF doctor 4 days ago, if there was really no hope any more. But his words hit me deeply. The embryo should be 2 times bigger now than 1 week ago. But it was not. It stopped to grow. In the office it was quiet. I was the only one. I even chose to stay longer because I am childless and have time. Just before I left the office, I saw two postcards of new born baby from my colleagues. They hurt me…. I even do not know how to describe my feeling,
- jealous? definitely not, it is more like that why I could not have that happiness…..
- sad? yes!
- why?  because I could not be pregnant?  don’t know……

I do not hate my friends with kids. I like to be invited to their parties.  What makes me really sad it is to see pregnat women on the streets. I do not know why. Just because I do not know them? So it is easy to release my deeply sadness?

Comments

  1. Infertile PhoenixAugust 13, 2020 at 12:25 AM

    Hello and thank you for writing. I am sorry for your pain. I know it is deep. You are grieving. And you are allowed to grieve. Keep writing and reading. You are not alone. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A Different LifeAugust 13, 2020 at 10:17 AM

      Thank you so much Phonenix! It is really not easy to take the abo. pill during the work.

      Delete
  2. MaliAugust 20, 2020 at 7:56 AM

    Hi. I am really sorry for your loss. Call it whatever you want - a baby, a pregnancy, a future life. There are no rules. You must feel the way you feel. It won't be permanent. But things like notices of new born babies, and seeing pregnant women on the street, are reminders of what we don't have. And they are often unexpected to see, so we are not prepared for the emotions. This is okay. It gets easier. But it takes some time. Best wishes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A Different LifeAugust 22, 2020 at 11:18 AM

      sometimes I think I am weired. I cried many nights. I do not want show that to anyone. sometims I feel so good, especially when I know many mommys have troubles.

      Delete
    2. MaliSeptember 3, 2020 at 3:21 AM

      This is all perfectly normal. We can grieve what we have lost, and embrace what we have gained at the same time.

      Delete

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